You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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