if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
