she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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