In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
