That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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