I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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