I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
