You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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