I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
