did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
