and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
