she woke up with a sticky ear
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
