if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
