Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
