My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
