i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
