I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
