I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
