You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
