hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
