??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
