I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
