She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
