We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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