Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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