you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
dude. I can hear the air.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
