he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
