is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
