i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
