went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
