You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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