She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
