He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
