I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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