They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
