Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
