I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
