Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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