Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
