someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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