My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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