I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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