Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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