I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
