Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
