So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Vodka?
Forever.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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