I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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