pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
