too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
