i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
