so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
