My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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